Today on the light rail, I was given the secret to happiness, amongst many other things.

It started on the light rail platform today. I was sitting next to a few men when another guy comes up to one.

HomelessMan: “Good Day sir”
ManNextToMe: “maan whatchu want?”


This exchange led me to believe they may know each other..or have at least conversed in some way or another in the past.

HomelessMan: “It ain’t right fo you to be greetin me dat way. You need some money?”
ManNextToMe: “Whatchu talkin bout. Get on wit yo crazy talk.”
HomelessMan: “What if the Lord sent me to you to give you money and you be talkin all rude?”
ManNextToMe: “I said be gone!”
HomelessMan: “You know I was gonna give you $3000 cus you my boy and what happens when one day I’m in jail I may need $3000 for you to get me out and das when it’ll come back. What goes around comes around.”

The man next to me is obviously frustrated with this homeless guy. HomelessMan was carrying a plastic bag with all kinds of newspaper clippings. There was a box of granola bars, too. The box seemed old so I question if there is actually food inside. So we get on the train and here starts the Homeless Man’s rant.

HomelessMan: “You people need to be nice to one another. I can take you to da bank right now and getchu $3000. You don’t even know. Jesus is all I live my life for and things be turnin around for me. I’m sent to tell you to be a little bit nicer. Ain’t nobody want your negativity. Look..I turn my life to the Lord and look what I got”

He pulls out a large white envelope.

HomelessMan: “Look, it says ‘Do Not Bend. Pho-toes enclosed. Imma bidniz man. I gots lotsa bidniz doin blinds and stuff.”

He pulls out one of his flyers and reads every word as he points to it.

HomelessMan: “…I couldnta done dis without the cop. She helped me out and done mailed this to me. It’s all because the Lord sent me to jail that I met her and she be helpin me get bidniz. Now I am a disciple”

He continued to rant and the two men from the platform just keep arguing with him and telling him he’s crazy. As he exits the train at the stop for the soup kitchen, he says “The Lord is coming!”

Moral of the story: I don’t quite understand why he offered the man $3000 and then said he was going to need it back later to get out of jail…

Today on the light rail, I was given a bible lesson.

Before I get accused of being agnostic, I’d like to point out that I am, indeed, Catholic. And I’m not just a CEO Catholic (Christmas Easter Only…yeah I just heard that one this weekend). I do real Catholic stuff, like play volleyball with the Young Adult group and down a few margaritas after the game. Either way, I’m a believer, so don’t send me emails whining.

So this man is carrying a very worn bible with tons of notes sticking out between the pages. He was dressed in the most crisply starched ensemble I’ve ever seen:

yes, I realize this picture was not actually ON the light rail…

He greets everybody on the train with a booming “GOOD MORNING!” Most people just smile or ignore him. I, of course, was pissed off at the world because it was before 9am. He sits down across from me.

Preacher: “G’Mornin. You headed to the med center?”
Me: “Yes sir.”
Preacher: “Me too. What stop do I get off for Methodist Hospital?”
Me: “Dryden TMC.”
Preacher: “Das good. I’m tryna get to my mother. She’s been in the hospital for a few days and I’m finally able to come see her.”
Me: “That’s sweet.”
Preacher: “Yeah I think it’s almost her time to go see Jesus.”
What a depressing way for you to start a conversation with a stranger.
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Preacher: “Is ok. You read da bible?”
Me: “Not often.”
Preacher: “Well Imma show you my favorite verse that be helpin me get through this right now. Psalm 18:2 ‘The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.’ Aint dat just some powerful stuff?”
Me: “mmmmhmmmmm”
Preacher: “I mean…I know dis could be da end but I got God by my side and I be aight.”
Me: “mmmmhmmmmm”
Preacher: “Yous a good listener..you know dat? Needa be more people like you in the world.”
What??????

He begins talking to this other lady (pictured with him above) and we finally get off at the same stop. This is when I decide to take a picture of his sweet red boots…and outfit.

Moral of the story: At least this preacher gave good food for thought unlike my past prophet.

Today on the light rail, I was told I was going to hell.

I hate cold weather.  Hate it.  Maybe I’d like it better if I actually owned cold weather clothes, but I feel like wearing a long sleeve t-shirt, a fleece, and a coat is just fine for 35 degree weather.  Apparently that was no match for the wind this morning, so naturally I couldn’t WAIT to sit down on the light rail away from the doors to prevent myself from feeling the draft at each stop.

Yesssss there’s a row all to myself.

After a few stops, a man sat down next to me.  My new Palm came in the mail yesterday, so I didn’t feel obligated to talk to this man since I could catch up on tweets about people’s love obsession with Amanda Bynes.  But don’t think I got away without hearing from this man…

Prophet: “Excuse me ma’am.  I hate to be a bother but I see you have nail polish on your fingers..”
I am so confused…of course I got a french manicure before my interview the other day…why does he care?”
Me: “Yes sir, I got a manicure the other day…”
Prophet: “That’s the devil’s work right der”
Me: “huh?”
Prophet: “Jesus wants you to be just the way you are, all naturAL” (emphasis on the AL)
Me: “ok.”
Prophet: “Do you believe in Jesus Christ our Savior?”
Me: “Yes, of course I do. But I also believe it’s OK to want to feel pretty by being a bit superficial.”
Prophet: “No. It’s not ok.  It’s people like you that are corrupting our children.  You need to come to my church because you is not completely saved!!!”
Me: “I’m Catholic.”
Prophet: “Catholics aren’t saved.  You’re going to Hell.”

I’m done arguing with this man at this point.  First he disses my nails, then he attacks my desire to look good and now he’s telling me that all Catholics are going to hell.  This is more intense than the debate I had with CK about Catholicism.

Prophet: “You need a man like me in your life to show you the way. blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah”

I stopped caring and luckily he got off at the stop that heads to the soup kitchen.  Seriously…I need a MAN to show me the way?  Was that whole conversation a pick-up line?  Boys…don’t ever use that one.

Moral of the story: Is the Pope going to hell too??????? 


*title of post=book by Tucker Max. It’s an awful awful book, but has some funny parts.*