Today on the light rail, I had a very inspiring talk with a complete stranger about life and love.

It’s been awhile since I’ve been given some good love advice, and this fell at a pretty perfect time. Sometimes we try to control situations that are in fact uncontrollable. Our friends seem to be on a fast track to happily ever after when we can’t even figure out the twisted web of a brain inside our love interest. We’re all on different paces, and today’s love doctor had much to contribute to this.

It was a chilly 28 degrees in Houston this morning, luckily I experienced colder weather just a few days ago in Colorado so I was prepared with gloves, scarf, coat, and was almost tempted to wear my red hat with the ball on it. As you can imagine, the LR tends to be crowded on the coldest days of the year.

I patiently waited 1 stop before finding a seat next to a nice older man.

LoveDoctor: “Good morning.”
Me: “Morning”
LoveDoctor: “I like your gloves. Dey match yo scarf!”
Me: “yesss.”
LoveDoctor: “It sure is cold today.”
Me: “Mmmhhmmm”
LoveDoctor: “Said der was snow all over da place last night. Surprised we aint got none.”
Me: “yeah I just came from a lot of snow in colorado.”
LoveDoctor: “you live der?”
Me: “No just visiting.”
LoveDoctor: “Das nice. I hate the cold.”
Me: “mee tooo.”
LoveDoctor: “Yeah you girls be wearin too many clothes! It makes it too hard to imagine was under wit all dem layers.”
Me: (awkward laugh)
LoveDoctor: “You a student?”
Me: “No I graduated from UT 2 1/2 years ago.”
LoveDoctor: “so yous a smart one. ya married?”
Me: “No sir.”
LoveDoctor: “you smart and ya aint married yet? heck come wit me i buy ya a ring right now.”
Me: (awkward laugh)
LoveDoctor: “I can tell ya some advice to snag yoself a husband. when it be dis cold outside, you crank up dat heater at home if you can afford it and you wear nutin but sumpin sexy. Aint no other way to get through to a man when you be wearin all dem clothes.”
Me: (awkward laugh again)
LoveDoctor: “you can tell yo friends dat too. all you ladies be wearin too much.”
Me: “But if we didn’t wear clothes, we’ll get sick and the men won’t take care of us.”
LoveDoctor: “well dats da risk you ladies should be takin.”

I actually cannot believe what this man is saying by this point. I honestly thought this was some kind of joke, but he was not laughing. Although, his friend across the aisle was cracking up at him.

LoveDoctor: “I’m tellin ya. Aint nobody find der man in the winter. Errbody snags dem some gold in da summertime where you be lookin sexy and can show off dat skin.”

I become buried in my phone and try to ignore his ridiculous advice.

LoveDoctor: “dis my stop. time for a hot breakfast on da way to work. nice talkin to ya.”
Me: “Have a good day.”

Moral of the story: Just face it, everybody is better of naked.

If you’re new to the TOTLR blog, on categories, click “Lightrail Lessons in Love” to enjoy all of the past advice.

Today on the light rail, I learned what to wear to attract men.

This morning the weather sucks, so I went with a simple pair of jeans and a t-shirt, essentially. I knew I’d be making LB media and dealing with that crap all day so I didn’t really care how I was dressed. For some reason I was super impatient at the platform today, so I opened up the Russell Brand book(y wook) I bought yesterday. When the train finally arrived, I found a seat next to a man (approx 45-50 years old, dark skin, tattered clothing) and continued reading my book. The sun is hiding for the next week so sunglasses were not necessary (although I DID buy new ones on Friday..and by new, I mean the same green ones).

Man: “Whatcha reading?”
Me: “It’s Russell Brand’s autobiography.”
Man: “WHO?”
Me: “Russell Brand..he’s an English comedian, to say the least.”
Man: “Oh what he sayin in dat book?”
Me: “I dunno. sex rehab right now.”
Man: “I don’t understand dat sex rehab stuff. Ain’t nobody can be addicted to sex. You’re too pretty to be readin a book about some loser anyways.”
I close the book and set it on top of my bag as I can tell this man wants to have a conversation and excuse me for being rude and wanting to read.
Me: “Ha.”
Man: “Why your hair up like dat?”
Me: “Because I coach a swim team in the morning and I didn’t feel like fixing it today.”
Man: “You lucky you cute. mos women aint ever gonna catch a man wit der hair up like dat.”
Me: “ummm thanks?”
Man: “You know what da prolem with girls your age is? They never wear dresses! Like you in dem jeans..you should wear a dress to work or school.”
Me: “I like dresses but it’s not practical for my job.”
Man: “Whatchu do?”
Me: “Research.”
Man: “Oh so you be workin with chemicals. yah dat prolly be bad. But just lemme tell you. You can have any man you like if you wear dresses. It’s one of those man secrets.
I’m intrigued by this man’s advice as I just had a conversation this weekend about how I like to wear dresses in the summer because it’s hot…just not to work.
Me: “Well I like wearing dresses in the summer because it’s too hot for jeans.”
Man: “Yep. and da shorter da better, yaknowwhatimsayin.”
I start laughing and can’t muster up the usual response to this type of statement
Man: “Why you laughin?”
Me: “Nothing.”
Man: “All I’m tryna do is help you here. I’m old. I been married. divorced. remarried. and so on. just tryna tell you how to get dem boys.”
He seems to be getting mad that I’m fiddling with my phone and not really paying attention to him, so I decide to give him a compliment.
Me: “Thank you for the advice.”
Man: “Yup and you’ll be thankin me later when da man be wanting you cus you wore a dress around him.”

And then it was his stop. Good thing I was not wearing a dress because his hand brushed my leg as he stood up, giving me chills. Not the best-first-kiss-ever kind of chills, but more like the creepy-homeless-man-would-probably-try-to-molest-me-if-I-was-wearing-a-dress kind of chills.

Moral of the story: If men want ladies to wear dresses, I would like to request all men wear suits every day. Because it’s sexy. And maybe put a little product in your hair…you know, spike it up a bit. Oh and if you could never wear skinny jeans unless you’re a fan of the same sex, that would be great. Oh and by the way, I don’t really care what you wear as long as your AWeSOme. Except the part about skinny jeans. I meant that.

Today on the light rail, a homeless man told me the key to keeping a man around.

I was wearing my ridiculous green sunglasses again today when I sat down next to a man that smelled so bad, I started to itch. Either that or I have too many mosquito bites from BvB football practice last night.

Bum: “Those are some funny lookin’ sunglasses you got goin on der…”
Well this man just made Alex happy..
Me: “I like them.”
Bum: “Yous a pretty little lady…imma share some secrets witchu..”
Me: “Ok…”
Bum: “Well, someday you gunna get all growed up and get married..ya aint married yet now are ya?”
Me: “haha Nope!”
Bum: “Well, you gunna get married. I can see it in your eyes. And when you get married, there’s only one thing you need to do to keep yo man around and not eyein these other hotties…”
Me: “and that is…..”
Bum: “Be sexy. Be sexy every day. Dress sexy. Don’t ever be dat broad that hangs in sweats every saturday. You dont gotsa get all dressed up, you just have to have that attitude, yaknowwhatimsayin”
Me: “Yes sir, I know what you are saying.”

(Sorry, I couldn’t resist again…it’s my favorite thing to respond with…damn that South Park episode…)

Bum: “You jus gotta feel sexy all the time. And know yous sexy…take charge o’ yo man with yo sexiness. Like a Goddess. You jus gotta be sexy all damn day and thas how you keep da man around.”
Me: “So basically, it’s impossible to keep one man around…got it.”
Bum: bursts into a loud annoying laughter. “Yous a funny chick..”
Me: “Not really..I’m just saying.”
Bum: “You aint got no problem keepin yo man around I bet. Jus you wait.”

I smile…slight pause..and decide this is a prime opportunity to get this man’s opinion on something…

Me: “Do you prefer blondes or brunettes?”
Bum: “Hmmmm now thas a tough one…”
Me: “I mean, if you saw a blonde and brunette wrestling, who would win?”
Bum: “heh heh heh I suppose the brunette cus the blonde is too dumb to know she got hit.”
Me: “Ok, how about a football game?”
Bum: “why you ax in me all dees questions? I say brunette cus you a brunette.”
Me: “Oh no reason.”
Bum: “I gotta get off now, you have a good day beautiful lady.”

He gets off the train at the usual soup kitchen stop. I realize this was the smartest bum I’ve ever met.

Moral of the Story: Be Sexy. Be Brunette.

So you may be wondering why I did the Brunette debate with this man. Check out the reason here and donate money. And if there are any folks from the Blonde team out there…watch your back on Saturday…I mean flag…except I’m not on defense…but if you intercept the ball, I’ll pull your flag. You’re not cool because you don’t have homeless people cheering you on. Beat that.

Today on the light rail, I learned the key to every man’s heart (like I didn’t already know..).

I should preface this by informing you I bring my lunch to work every day. My mom gave me two different lunch kits…well whether she gave them to me or I jacked them from the parents’ house is a different story. Either way, I typically use the red “Avis” one. It’s simple and easy to fit in my giant purse. Now, sometimes I use this black one that resembles a purse when my lunch doesn’t fit in the red one. So today, I had the black one because I am a fat kid.

The first part of our conversation occured at the platform…

NoseyMan: “Good morning! It’s a beautiful day!”
yep, I still can’t find my sunglasses..I think I left them at Pub the other day…

Me: “Good morning.”
NoseyMan: “You know how much longer we gotta wait?”
Me: “About 2 minutes.”

Two minutes go by and the train arrives. This man follows me to the back of the train, you know where my favorite seats are. He sits down right next to me. Great. I shuffle my purse and giant fat kid lunch kit around on my lap to get situated.

NoseyMan: “Whatchu got for lunch today?”
Me: “Leftovers.”
NoseyMan: “Nice, you cook?”
Me: “I try.”
NoseyMan: “What’d you cook? You cook for your husband?”
Me: “Enchilidas. I’m not married. I cooked for my friends.”
NoseyMan: “That’s good. You know it’s good you can cook, it’ll help you getchu a husband.”
Me: “ok.”
NoseyMan: “I mean, yaknow the key to a man’s heart is through his stomach, right?”
Me: polite giggle. “Guess so.”
NoseyMan: “I’m tellin you…when a woman cooks for me, I’m like Damn, this chick is awesome.”
Me: “I try.”
NoseyMan: “My girl man she can cook some good food. Lots of stuff with shrimp. And now she make some crawfish etouffee, oOOOooooooo I love it.”
Me: “I’m allergic.”
NoseyMan: “WHAT???!?! Man. I feel sorry for you.”
Me: “It’s ok.”
NoseyMan: “But all I’m sayin…you cook for a man, you’re all set.”
Me: “Thanks.”

He stopped talking to me until he got off at the museum stop and told me bye and to enjoy my lunch. Thank you, nosey man, I will.

Moral of the story: I shouldn’t use my fat kid lunch kit anymore.

Today on the light rail, I received the 3rd piece of relationship advice since starting the “Lightrail Lessons in Love”.

Anyways, I wasn’t wearing sunglasses this morning, which was my first mistake. I made eye contact with a man right before I sat down. I naturally smiled at him just to be nice, but he took this as an invitation to talk to me.

WifeHater: “Kinda humid outside today, huh?”

Ugh. Weather talk, really? Come up with better conversation starters..like ‘How bout them stros, they suck..’ or ‘Man Butler got robbed last night’…or ‘Is that woman preggers or just fat, I can’t tell?’

Me: “Yup.”
WifeHater: “I don’t really like it humid, makes my hair look bad. Does it do that to you too?”
Me: “uhh sometimes?”
WifeHater: “My wife be complainin all the time bout it messin up her hair. She blame it on me sometimes. Iono why she be doin all that.”

Oh dear, what’s going to happen next…

WifeHater: “Sometimes you just gotsta have some time away from your spouse, yaknowwhatimsayin?”

EVERY time I hear this, I want to respond “no sir, I do not know what you are saying” in a Butters voice…

WifeHater: “You gotsa Husband?”
Me: “Nope.”
WifeHater: “Thas good. You should wait. Marriage is a beautiful thing but it ain’t all that good. I mean, sharin a bed…sharin a bathroom…sharin all dat stuff…it ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.”

Pretty sure the last thing you should worry about when you get married is having to share toothpaste…

WifeHater: “I mean I love my wife, but I jus need some time. Like right now, talkin to you. If she were here, you’d prolly have a black eye by now…”

ANNNDDDD is it my stop yet???????

WifeHater: “…It’s just that whole trust thing, yaknowwhatimsayin? My advice, wait to get married. You young..you can figure it out. Believe me. You ont need no man….”
Me: “Thanks.”

He continued rambling on about his wife, and finally got off at the soup kitchen stop. These people confuse me.

Moral of the Story: Don’t get married. Or you will get pregnant and die.