After my first post on CultureMap, I received an email from a lady who shares my love for Public transportation, though she rides the bus rather than the light rail. She was quite thrilled to read my stories, so I thought it would be neat to share a few of hers.

Here is Jessica‘s Banana Story.
Since I’m just now starting this blog, in order for you all to get the real effect of my bus stories, I’ll have to start from the beginning (also my favorite):

I moved from NYC to Houston in August 2008. In NYC, it was completely normal to take public transportation; in fact, you HAD to since no one could afford a car. So it was a daily occurance to take the subway, cross town, uptown bus, pedicab etc. Of course I had my fair share of hilarious stories from those days, but I’ve drank since then.

With the move back to Texas, I was excited to continue taking public transportation because 1) work paid for it; 2) it was way less stressful than driving in Houston traffic and 3) well I’m just lazy and prefer someone else to do the driving. My first few weeks went by somewhat uneventful. Luckily I lived about a 4 block walk from the bus stop (walking?? in Houston?? blasphemy!) I would usually kill 2 birds with 1 stone and bring something to eat on the bus (granola bar, various fruit choices) and never had any problems. All was going dandy until one day I brought along a banana to eat on the quick 8 minute ride.

That day seemed like any other day: muggy, humid…or so I thought. I get to the bus, step in, tap my “Q Card” (read: NYC’ers – this is our version of the MetroCard, but waaaaaaaaay cheaper oh and banana in hand. I get actually 4 steps in, until Mizz Bus Driver turns and says “Nu uh, no eatin’ on my bus!” I turn around, slightly confused, as I have eaten many times before on the bus, although not the same bus driver. So (bear in mind I had only been out of NYC for about 2 months at this point) I turn to her and with “sweetest” of voices, explain this to her, and turn right back to sit down. She repeats herself. I roll my eyes and realize this is going nowhere, and she won’t leave until her rules are followed! So, I go to take a step out of the bus to throw away the peel, and then, she does the unimaginable…she CLOSES THE DOOR AND BEGINS TO TAKE OFF….WITH MY BAG IN HER BUS!! Looking back, I probably looked pretty funny running after the bus beating on the door, yelling at her to stop.

She finally stops (not due to my beatings, but she’s at a red light, she HAS to) she reluctantly opens the door, glares me down, says “I told you, no eatin’ on my bus.”

If looks could kill, we would both still be in jail…

Today on the light rail, I gave a man directions- but he asked for a second opinion.
By no means am I a metro expert, I’m simply a very observant rider who can tell the difference between downtown and South Fannin. After adding money to my Q card on the platform today (I was given a warning ticket last Friday for an unpaid fare), I waited patiently for the usual 8:37 a.m. train. Being the nosey person I am, I heard a man talking to a girl on the other side of the platform. Five minutes later, the man hollered at me.

Lost: “Say…say…”

I’m always confused when people use this as a way to address somebody. I think to myself, “Say what?”

Me: “Yes?”
LostGuy: “say..which way I needa be goin if I am tryna get to Fiesta. I don’t wanna be goin to no downtown.”
Me: “Well that way is downtown, so you’re on the right platform.”
LostGuy: “So I be headin to Fiesta and Jack-in-the-box and Church’s that way?”
Me: “Yes sir.”
LostGuy: “So this train won’t be goin downtown?”
Me: “Nope.”
LostGuy: “So if I take this train, Imma get to Fiesta or at least da way I wanna be goin?”
Me: “Yes. What stop are you trying to get to?”
LostGuy: “Fiesta. Is dat dis way?”
Me: “Yes that’s what I said.”
LostGuy: “So I won’t be goin downtown if I take this train comin up?”
Me: “No sir.”
LostGuy: “Aight. Thank you.”
Less than a minute later, another man approaches the platform and this is when I realized lost homeboy was not satisfied with my directions.
LostGuy: “say man…”
Man: “yuh?”
LostGuy: “I’m tryna get to da Fiesta stop.”
Man: “You headin the right way.”
LostGuy: “aight thanks.”

That was that. LostGuy finally found his way by asking for a second (quite possibly a third since I didn’t hear his conversation with the other lady) opinion. And after asking me the same question ten times, he only asked the man once.

When the train approached, it was covered in a giant red sign reading “STOP. THINK.”, which totally threw this man for a loop.

LostGuy: “WHAT??? WHAT TRAIN IS THIS?!?!? I AIN’T NEVER SEEN DIS ONE.”
Man: “It’s an advertisement man, it’s goin da same way. Only one track in Houston, you on drugs or somethin?”
LostGuy: “hell I wish I was..”

Moral of the story: From now on, I will always give a man wrong directions because it won’t matter anyways.

Today on the light rail, I was busted for not having a valid fare.

Before I get called all sorts of names for taking a free ride, hear me out. I have a Q card (it’s a card with a balance you can add money to online or at one of the platforms) that was issued by the institution I work for. Every month, a little bit of money is taken from my paycheck and my workplace subsidizes the rest to add $50 a month to my card. Every now and then, I convince somebody to drive me to work or pick me up so I save a little bit of time on my commute. That leaves me with spare money on the card for weekends or more specifically, the rodeo when it rolls around.

Well the medical school does not like when you hog money on your card and tends to turn off your card without notice. So sometimes you may think your card has a balance, but it doesn’t. This happened to me Friday night.

I was heading downtown to the Aeros game and obviously had no reason to drive, so I took the light rail to meet the crew at HOB. I was trying to figure out if I should stop at Bell Street Station or continue to Main Street Square. It was rather cold, so I decided to wait until Main Street.

Big Mistake.

When I exit the train, I notice about 3 Metro Policemen at each end of the platform. I never thought these folks would be checking at 7 p.m. on a Friday.

MetroCop: “Can I see you tickets or Q card?”
I hand him my Q card, though my knees are shaking a bit because I know what is about to happen..either that or it’s really cold outside.
MetroCop: “There’s no money on this card.”
Me: “What? I don’t ever put money on it, my job does.”
MetroCop: “Where do you work?”
Me: “xxxxxxxxxxxx”
MetroCop: “You need to make sure they put money on it.”
Me: “Well I don’t know why there’s not money on it. They’re dumb. I’m sorry.”

At this point, I’m nearing tears…mainly because I feel stupid.

MetroCop: “Well I’m just gonna write you a warning but next time it’s a $40 fine.”
Me: “Ok thank you.”

This isn’t the first time I haven’t had a valid fare. One time was because my Q card was stolen along with my purse, but luckily I had a case number and the cop didn’t care. The other time, I just simply forgot my Q card and batted my eyes out of any consequence. Now, I have proof of my lack of fare with this warning paper.

I think I may frame it.

Moral of the story: Pay for the light rail. or you will go to jail.

Today on the light rail, I had a very inspiring talk with a complete stranger about life and love.

It’s been awhile since I’ve been given some good love advice, and this fell at a pretty perfect time. Sometimes we try to control situations that are in fact uncontrollable. Our friends seem to be on a fast track to happily ever after when we can’t even figure out the twisted web of a brain inside our love interest. We’re all on different paces, and today’s love doctor had much to contribute to this.

It was a chilly 28 degrees in Houston this morning, luckily I experienced colder weather just a few days ago in Colorado so I was prepared with gloves, scarf, coat, and was almost tempted to wear my red hat with the ball on it. As you can imagine, the LR tends to be crowded on the coldest days of the year.

I patiently waited 1 stop before finding a seat next to a nice older man.

LoveDoctor: “Good morning.”
Me: “Morning”
LoveDoctor: “I like your gloves. Dey match yo scarf!”
Me: “yesss.”
LoveDoctor: “It sure is cold today.”
Me: “Mmmhhmmm”
LoveDoctor: “Said der was snow all over da place last night. Surprised we aint got none.”
Me: “yeah I just came from a lot of snow in colorado.”
LoveDoctor: “you live der?”
Me: “No just visiting.”
LoveDoctor: “Das nice. I hate the cold.”
Me: “mee tooo.”
LoveDoctor: “Yeah you girls be wearin too many clothes! It makes it too hard to imagine was under wit all dem layers.”
Me: (awkward laugh)
LoveDoctor: “You a student?”
Me: “No I graduated from UT 2 1/2 years ago.”
LoveDoctor: “so yous a smart one. ya married?”
Me: “No sir.”
LoveDoctor: “you smart and ya aint married yet? heck come wit me i buy ya a ring right now.”
Me: (awkward laugh)
LoveDoctor: “I can tell ya some advice to snag yoself a husband. when it be dis cold outside, you crank up dat heater at home if you can afford it and you wear nutin but sumpin sexy. Aint no other way to get through to a man when you be wearin all dem clothes.”
Me: (awkward laugh again)
LoveDoctor: “you can tell yo friends dat too. all you ladies be wearin too much.”
Me: “But if we didn’t wear clothes, we’ll get sick and the men won’t take care of us.”
LoveDoctor: “well dats da risk you ladies should be takin.”

I actually cannot believe what this man is saying by this point. I honestly thought this was some kind of joke, but he was not laughing. Although, his friend across the aisle was cracking up at him.

LoveDoctor: “I’m tellin ya. Aint nobody find der man in the winter. Errbody snags dem some gold in da summertime where you be lookin sexy and can show off dat skin.”

I become buried in my phone and try to ignore his ridiculous advice.

LoveDoctor: “dis my stop. time for a hot breakfast on da way to work. nice talkin to ya.”
Me: “Have a good day.”

Moral of the story: Just face it, everybody is better of naked.

If you’re new to the TOTLR blog, on categories, click “Lightrail Lessons in Love” to enjoy all of the past advice.

Today on the light rail, I was (only for the 2nd time ever) not the person bothered by rando rantings.

I took a 6 day vacay to Colorado, hence the lack of posts but I was welcomed back to my territory by a group of 4 guys that looked most like the pot-smoking boarders on the slopes. I’m not trying to be quick to judge here, I’m just giving you a visual.

These boys..or young men…I couldn’t really tell if they were college or high school students (homeless teenagers would be ruled out because one kid was carrying an iPad) kept to themselves most of the ride until we reached one of the stops. A man gets on the train and immediately starts rambling to one of the boys.

Mumbles: “ajkghjerhtnmvjkhsgjkherjktebns”
Boarder: “yeah totally”
Mumbles: “agjkhsdfjkgnvsmnbgmn its colds ajkgdfgkadjghjkerhtjkah”
Boarder: “uh huh”
Mumbles: “jkasghjkhaerkjghekrjtg snext stops mine”
Boarder: “me too.”
Mumbles: “iagkjdgkjk cold aadklgjdjg atlanta ajkfdjkghdjgh snow aklgdjkljdgk dallas”
Boarder: “yeah man”
Mumbles: “ajgdjkfgajkdghjkdghjkerhtgkjerhtgkje bye”

Mumbles exits the light rail but the boys do not follow.
BoarderFriend: “wtf was he saying to you?”
Boarder: “hell if I know.”

Moral of the story: If you can’t understand somebody, you probably shouldn’t lead them on..what if they were asking for directions and you said ‘yep’? oh well..