Today on the light rail, I was smelled by another woman.

First of all, I was in Dallas from Thursday-Monday, hence the lack of posts. Thanks for being patient and waiting for me to come back. I know you missed your daily dose of crazy stories. I wanted to check out the dart rail in Dallas, but didn’t exactly have much time for public transit research. And yesterday morning…well…I was too worried about my friend to pay attention to crazy people on the light rail.

So alas, though still not completely clear in the head, I have a story to share. What had happened was….

I sat down next to a rather busty woman with my pink bag in my lap. She was seemingly homeless (or at least poor) by the looks of her attire and her personal hygeine. She smiled when I sat down.
Smeller: “How you doin today?”
Me: “Alright, and you?”
Smeller: “The Lord blessed me with another day alive so I’m great!”
Good attitude…I guess maybe I should stop hating my life every morning.
Me: “Amen.”

We sit there in silence for the next few stops. I picked up my 4th Palm Pre yesterday (don’t buy that POS phone…I warned you), so I’m adding apps and fixing my email in order to occupy time. Oh and I was checking on prices for directv and/or Dish since Phonoscope has a monopoly on the cable at my apartment and I’m trying to get by that since it sucks.

But not to bore you with my mundane life….

Smeller: (Insert long smell here complete with the noise you make when you smell) “Mmmm what kinda shampoo you use? you smell good.”
That was awkward.
Me: “Ummm I dunno. Whatever I buy.”
Smeller: “You wearin some perfume or sumpin?”
Me: “Deoderant?”
The woman sniffs again!!! Her nose is touching my shoulder!!
Smeller: “No dat ain’t it..you gots sumpin on?”
Me: “I don’t remember.”
Smeller: “Well you smell pretty. I jus wanted to know what it was so I could get some.”
Me: “Maybe I put on Victoria’s Secret Very Sexy for Her…but I don’t wear it every day so I’m not sure I have it on.”
Smeller: “hmmm maybe it’s just yo laundry detergent..whatchu use?”
Me: “whatever cleans my clothes…”
Smeller: “I like it.”

I stop talking to her and pretend somebody calls but I’m really talking to my voicemail. I gradually moved to the very edge of the seat row, so much that I nearly fell a few times while “talking” on the phone.

Moral of the story: I’m not a flower.

Yesterday I received an email from a LR blog fan named Matt from Kentucky. Matt’s email said he lived right outside of Cincinnati. My initial thoughts, isn’t that in Ohio??? I had to google it to make sure he didn’t misspell Ohio with a K-e-n-t-u-c-k-y. Apparently, I am not very good at Geography, which is understandable since I had the WORST geography teacher known to man in high school…Trey knows what I’m talking about with that Shrek-like woman.

Either way, here’s Matt’s story:

To start, you should know Matt has a guide dog (and a pretty awesome sense of humor). About two years ago, he and his frat brother were heading to a bus stop in downtown Louisville. His frat brother is obviously a smarty since he lived at the med school campus. Matt lived at the main campus in South Louisville. As one would expect, the medical campus tends to attract tons of homeless folks that hang out by the hospital and give you their sob stories about their mother/brother/cousin/friend/Pimp is in the hospital and they “ain’t got no mo money to feed demselves”. Of course, Matt and his fratastic friend had to walk through these hobos to get to the bus line at about 11:00 at night.

As the two cross the street, a homeless starts hollerin’:

HomelessMichaelVick: “Hey, you guys have any money… can you spare a dollar for the homeless so I can get some food?”
He was obviously pretty drunk.
FratBro: “No, I don’t have any cash.”
Matt: “I don’t have any cash either. Good luck man.”
HomelessMichaelVick: “Well F*!K… Can I eat your dog?”

What. The. Hell.

They obviously continued walking, both really confused I’d assume. About half way down the next block, FratBro says “Did he just ask if he could eat your dog?”
Matt: “Yeah, I think he did; what the hell.”

Moral of the story: I probably would’ve given the man $1 if he was THAT desperate to eat my guide dog….and then I probably would’ve asked him for his autograph and asked why he wasn’t in Philadelphia (er..atlanta I suppose, at the time of this incident).

Today on the light rail, I fell asleep (on the way home).


I was actually about to push “publish” after that sentence, but I figured I would also share a funny picture of the man at the light rail stop.

Yes, this man is using binoculars to see if the train down the tracks is a double or a single.

Moral of the story: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Today on the light rail, I met the next Snoop Dogg wannabe.

Yes, I hated my life this morning. And no, I was not wearing a dress.

Now that we have the usuals out of the way….there was man with the broadest vocal range of anybody I’ve ever heard in my entire life. I started my adventures standing when MariahCareyWannaBe started talking to one of his homeboys in a super deep voice. I wasn’t really paying attention to this conversation, all I know is the man had an Austin Powers “How does it feel, baby?” low voice. He chats with his buddy for a little bit and then goes to the door and proceeds to sing with his face near pressed against the window.

It caught me off guard because it’s not every day you hear somebody singing like Jackie Moon from Semi-Pro. He switches it up a little bit and throws some normal-high pitched rapping in there with hand motions.

I ended up finding a seat because I’m lazy, but proceeded to record my favorite part with my phone. I was OK with his Will Ferrel-esk swooning, but I couldn’t contain my laughter when I noticed he was keeping a beat by knocking/pounding on the door to the light rail. His super long nail on the left hand was a part of the beat too. These two videos obviously are hard to hear since I moved further away from him before realizing my worthless “I-cant-hear-you-unless-I-put-you-on-speakerphone” palm pre can take videos (Feel free to buy me the iPhone if you feel so inclined).

If you list closely, you can hear the man rapping…sorry about the annoying guy on his cell phone in the background.



and now he is serenading the door….take a look at his hands.

Moral of the story: Most people sing in the shower….

I’ve been on a California Gurls kick lately…sorry about that….

Today on the light rail, it was a hot mess.

That’s pretty much the easiest way to describe the hodgepodge of weird people I encountered on my ride home. It started at the light rail platform when I saw two young(ish) boys with fishing poles.

Call me crazy, but pretty sure the light rail does not get you to Galveston. I have a few guesses as to why these boys were carrying fishing poles:
1. Fish in the bayou…which is gross…and makes me believe they are secretly from Louisiana.
2. Use the fishing line to tie up some girl and choke her and leave her in the bayou. (hey, this happens on TV)
3. They are working a carnival booth at some church where you fish for prizes. I like that game. Except when I win something stupid like a piece of paper that says “5 tickets”. 5 tickets gets you nothing at a carnival. Have you been to the state fair??? I think I broke Alex’s, Andrew’s, AND Uncle Weldon’s wallets last year just to ride the gondola. So if that was the case for these fisherboys, I hope their carnival had good prizes and not rinky dinky junk like a paper that says ’5 tickets’.

This is only the beginning….

I sat down next to a woman who skipped lunch and decided to eat it right by me, making those annoying eating noises. She pulled out her Key Lime pie yoplait light yogurt. I, personally, think yogurt is meant for breakfast and should not be eaten past 10am (but this is also coming from a girl that is allergic to shellfish and hates spaghetti). So this woman starts eating her yogurt and proceeds to have a conversation with said yogurt.
YogurtQueen: “You be trippin…your package say you taste like Key Lime Pie butch ain’t taste like nutin but green yogurt.”
I’m trying to hold in my laughter.
YogurtQueen: “I mean you still taste a little good but maayyyynnn aint nobody at yo company know wut Key Lime Pie be tastin like. Imma tell you what…I still eatcha cus I ont waste no food.”

She then made this “YUMNUMUMNUNUM” sound…you know what I mean. And then she laughs. At her yogurt.

Moral of the story: I should’ve borrowed the fishing pole to fish for crazies. I would’ve hit the jackpot with the YogurtQueen.