Today on the light rail, I was in an intense text message conversation.

If I listed interests on my resume, one would say “texting”. I’m a texting phenomenon…but that’s because I grew up in that early stage of instant messaging/emailing/texting. People my age would rather chat on IM than hang out in person during middle school…now we would rather have serious conversations via text or email instead of in person. I will admit that I do have a bad habit of texting when I’m around other people. I can’t help this addiction, unfortunately. My brother-in-law uses the term in the title of this post to describe my sister and me. And today’s light rail adventure proves I earned this nickname…

It started at the light rail platform. A dude with a large pink polo and crisply starched jeans sits down next to me while I’m texting.
PinkShirt: “How are you doing today?”
I don’t realize he’s speaking to me because I’m so into this text message conversation…
PinkShirt: “Ya ain’t gonna talk to me?”
Me: “Oh huh? I’m good.”
PinkShirt: “You look beautiful today.”
Me: “What?? Oh. Thanks.”

Train arrives. I sit down awkwardly next to a guy that is halfway hogging the second seat with his bag. So one of my cheeks is hanging off the side in an attempt not to bother him. I continue texting, green sunglasses still on and all. This man in front of me is kind of sitting sideways and facing me.

NoseyMan: “My Hello beautiful girl in the green sunglasses!”
Note: I did not know what he said…because I wasn’t paying attention..but he repeated himself.
NoseyMan: “You deaf”
Still no response from me. I honestly did not hear this man talking.
NoseyMan: “Man whatchu be doin on your phone that’s so important?”
Finally, I snap out of it…
Me: “Huh? what? I’m just texting.”
The NoseyMan repeats the above compliment and explains he’s been trying to get my attention.
Me: “Oh thank you..I’m sorry…just kind of busy.”
NoseyMan: “Who you be texting? You fast at that. You so into it” he then proceeds to mock me..pretending he’s holding a phone.
Me: “haha”
NoseyMan: “Man I ain’t seen nobody do that like you. Whatchur name?”
My ID is in my pocket, so it’s safe for me to give out a fake name.
Me: “Alex.”
NoseyMan: “Nice to meet you Alex, I’m Marcus.”
I think he tries to shake my hand but I avoid that type of contact with a stranger. I pretend I’m too busy texting…because I am…
NoseyMan: “Well you best make sure you don’t miss your stop. Have a good one!”
Me: “You too.”

If the man only knew how many times I’ve missed/almost missed my stop….

Moral of the story: Damn you, unlimited text messaging.

Today on the light rail, I met a member of Vince Young’s family.

One of the few good things about my job is I can wear pretty much whatever I want, knowing that half of my clothes will be ruined by acid and/or other reagents. Today, I opted to wear a University of Texas shirt, along with my white linen pants that will probably be ruined by the time I get home.

…………..now that you all know what I am wearing and don’t have to ask like a creeper…………

Back to the topic at hand. I spent my entire weekend celebrating my brother’s graduation from UT. Yes, I come from a family of 4 kids who have now officially all received a degree from THE University of Texas. So I naturally woke up this morning feeling that Longhorn pride. I was being pretty lazy on my walk to the light rail and for once didn’t run to catch the train, thus I was the first person at the platform for the next train.

I’m sitting down when a homeless man approaches me.
Man: “You a longhorn?”
No, I just like wearing a color that doesn’t match with anything except white or brown.
Me: “yup.”
Man: “You go to skool der?”
Me: “Yup.”
Man: “When you be der?”
Me: “2004-2008.”
Man: “Man you was der when VY was der. Dats my cousin.”

Let’s take a break to examine this conversation. How many cousins does Vince Young ACTUALLY have? I feel like he has multiple friends on Facebook that write on his wall using the word “cousin”. Or, multiple people I encountered in Austin would tell me that Vince Young was their “cousin”. Is this a term of endearment or does Vince really come from that big of a family?

Me: “Cool.”
Train arrives and we both step on…
AnotherMan (throws up the hook ‘em horns sign): “Hook ‘Em!!”
Man: “Yeah thas what I’m talkin bout. You go to football games?”
I quickly ignored this man once the train arrived so I didn’t realize he was talking to me…
Man: “What..now you be ignorin me?”
Me: “Oh didn’t know you were talking to me. Yes I did/do sometimes.”
Man: “I always wanted to go. How much do tickets cost?”
Me: “I dunno like $90 or something. I had season tickets through my brother.”
Man: “DAYYYYYUUUMMMM. That sh^t be esspensivveeee.”
I turn my attention to the homeless man that gets on at the next stop. His buddies tell him he better swipe his card, so he rushes off the train and the doors close.
HomelessMan’sBuddy: “Dat boy gunna miss him some grits!!!!!”
Man: “MAN I love dem grits down there too!”

So my longhorn pal and another homeless man babble over the breakfast food at the approaching soup kitchen. I can’t help but notice both of these men are carrying cell phones.

Moral of the story: Longhorn or not, why can’t you just order a pizza with your cell phone instead of going to the soup kitchen?

Today on the light rail, a woman asked me for my glasses.

I know what you’re thinking…”Hold up, Katie, you wear glasses?” Unless you went to college with me or are my current roommate, you probably have never seen me wear anything but my contacts. I hate wearing my glasses on Sunny days…and rainy days….I hate wearing them period. However, last night I slept in my contacts by accident and woke up this morning with the puffiest eyes, you would’ve thought I slept with a cat on my face. So I’m wearing my glasses……

I’m on the train and sit down next to this lady who is most likely financially disadvantaged, to be politically correct. She is reading a copy of Greensheet and looks at me when I sit down.

Lady: “Excuse me, but can I borrow yo glasses?”
Like always, I’m half asleep and don’t quite understand what she’s asking…
Me: “Huh?”
Lady: “Can I borrow yo glasses?”
Me: “Why?”
Lady: “I need to read this ad and I can’t quite figger out wut it seyz”
Me: “umm…I can’t see without my glasses…”
Lady: “Oh. I thought those just be readin glasses..look so thin..”
Me: “No…I can’t see your face if I take them off…”
The Woman sighs…
Me: “Would you like me to read it to you?”
Lady: “That be great…”

So I take a look and realize she’s look at a job posting for some type of cleaning lady. I read the posting to her…

Lady: “Eh..thas not wut I thought it said, can you read the rest of the page and tell me if there’s any job I can do?”
what the heck..how do I know what type of job she can do..Almost want to refer her to my friend Andrew..

So since I am overly nice, I help the lady out and read off some other ones for her. Finally, it’s her turn to get off the train. She thanks me and then starts talking to one of her buddies as they head to the soup kitchen.

Moral of the story: Now I remember why I don’t wear my glasses.

Today on the light rail, I experienced the metro SWAT team.

EXT. ENSEMBLE/HCC STATION – EVENING
Six Metro Police await the arrival of the next train. All are equipped with Q Card detection devices, a pad of tickets, pens, and most importantly, a gun…since rent-a-cops need guns.

COP I

Welp, here comes another one. You folks, ready?

All nod as the next train quickly approaches.  The doors open. People shuffle out.

INT. METRO LIGHT RAIL
The train is moderately crowded and abnormally quiet.

COP 2

EVERYBODY LISTEN UP! PULL OUT YOUR Q CARDS OR TICKETS!

Four more cops rush on the train with a mission to arrest the free loaders.  All cops are yelling at the top of their lungs.

COP 1

HOLD ‘EM UP!

One man and one tranny with bikes block the cop from destroying the riders.

COP 1

No bikes allowed between 3 and 6 PM!

TRANNY

Since when? I always bring my bike up in here.

COP 1

No bikes allowed!

Tranny and man exit train with bikes.  Tranny is cursing at the cop. Female Metro Police office forcefully pushes man to wake him up.

FEMALE COP

Sir! Do you have your ticket? SIR! I need to see it! SIR! SIR!

The man rummages through his belongings and finds ticket.  Female cop attacks next victim, who is already holding a Q card.

COP 3

Got one, chief.

All four cops approach a man wearing a suit with a cane and yank him off the train.  The train doors remain open and the train does not move.

EXT. ENSEMBLE/HCC STATION – EVENING

COP 1

Excuse me sir, do you not know the rules?

PIMP

I know, but I forgot to buy my ticket.

COP 1

Well sir, that ain’t no excuse. You violatin the law and I’m writing you a ticket right now.

INT. METRO LIGHT RAIL

Katie stares at the man being punished for being forgetful. The doors close. The train leaves the station. Inner Circle’s BAD BOYS begins, we go to OPENING CREDITS.

Such an intense movie. Not sure if you’ve seen it yet, but those cops think they’re awesome just because the y carry around these devices to see if you paid. It’s like the equivalent to a real cop’s taser, because if you haven’t paid, this machine gives a nice swift kick to the balls….that is, if you have a pair.

My favorite character has to be the tranny. This he/she was a man with boobs. no lie….and biker shorts that showed off the obvious sex change. No lie. Maybe Katie would’ve taken a sweet pic had these cops not infiltrated the train.

Moral of the story: Metro cops are ridiculous.

Today on the light rail, a homeless man told me the key to keeping a man around.

I was wearing my ridiculous green sunglasses again today when I sat down next to a man that smelled so bad, I started to itch. Either that or I have too many mosquito bites from BvB football practice last night.

Bum: “Those are some funny lookin’ sunglasses you got goin on der…”
Well this man just made Alex happy..
Me: “I like them.”
Bum: “Yous a pretty little lady…imma share some secrets witchu..”
Me: “Ok…”
Bum: “Well, someday you gunna get all growed up and get married..ya aint married yet now are ya?”
Me: “haha Nope!”
Bum: “Well, you gunna get married. I can see it in your eyes. And when you get married, there’s only one thing you need to do to keep yo man around and not eyein these other hotties…”
Me: “and that is…..”
Bum: “Be sexy. Be sexy every day. Dress sexy. Don’t ever be dat broad that hangs in sweats every saturday. You dont gotsa get all dressed up, you just have to have that attitude, yaknowwhatimsayin”
Me: “Yes sir, I know what you are saying.”

(Sorry, I couldn’t resist again…it’s my favorite thing to respond with…damn that South Park episode…)

Bum: “You jus gotta feel sexy all the time. And know yous sexy…take charge o’ yo man with yo sexiness. Like a Goddess. You jus gotta be sexy all damn day and thas how you keep da man around.”
Me: “So basically, it’s impossible to keep one man around…got it.”
Bum: bursts into a loud annoying laughter. “Yous a funny chick..”
Me: “Not really..I’m just saying.”
Bum: “You aint got no problem keepin yo man around I bet. Jus you wait.”

I smile…slight pause..and decide this is a prime opportunity to get this man’s opinion on something…

Me: “Do you prefer blondes or brunettes?”
Bum: “Hmmmm now thas a tough one…”
Me: “I mean, if you saw a blonde and brunette wrestling, who would win?”
Bum: “heh heh heh I suppose the brunette cus the blonde is too dumb to know she got hit.”
Me: “Ok, how about a football game?”
Bum: “why you ax in me all dees questions? I say brunette cus you a brunette.”
Me: “Oh no reason.”
Bum: “I gotta get off now, you have a good day beautiful lady.”

He gets off the train at the usual soup kitchen stop. I realize this was the smartest bum I’ve ever met.

Moral of the Story: Be Sexy. Be Brunette.

So you may be wondering why I did the Brunette debate with this man. Check out the reason here and donate money. And if there are any folks from the Blonde team out there…watch your back on Saturday…I mean flag…except I’m not on defense…but if you intercept the ball, I’ll pull your flag. You’re not cool because you don’t have homeless people cheering you on. Beat that.