Today on the light rail, I fed the hungry.

I also learned something about myself.  Not only do I talk to complete strangers on a daily basis, but I’m way too approachable.

I’ve always been the person who will talk to a complete stranger in certain situations.  Usually the conversation is started by showing a person a picture of my alter ego.  Lately, the conversation starts with “I blog about public transportation, wanna see?”  This is much better than Curtis’ co-worker who uses the line “I have herpes, what do you have?” to pick up girls (true story).  Or last night on the walk home from the grocery store a street man says “SAY! SAY! BABY GIRL! HOOK ‘EM!” because I was wearing my favorite zip up hoodie (thanks, Alex.).

But the easiest way to make a new friend is through food.  And unfortunately today, I looked very approachable and had brownies on hand.  I told my boss I’d make his snack for journal club today, so I made 2 batches of brownies last night.  I left the light rail with only 1 batch in hand, it seemed.

I was not wearing sunglasses this morning, so I guess that’s a clear indication it’s OK to talk to me.

Hungry Man: “Those brownies sure look good. How much you sellin them for?”
Me: “Oh they’re not for sale.  They’re for my boss.”

long pause

Hungry man to hungry man’s friend: “Look at her, hoggin all those brownies when we ain’t eaten since last night and they delicious.”
Yep…that hit a nerve….
Me: “Would you like one?  I can spare a few..I made extras…”
Hungry Man & Friend: “YAH!”

Like savage beasts, they each grab a brownie.  Hungry Man thought it was perfectly acceptable to tell his friends.

—-side note for John G-IdontrememberhowtospellyourlastnameIjustknowthereisaZinit: One of the men was wearing this hat AND I knew the Bruins are a hockey team…..any consolation??—

So the Hungry Man, his friend, Bruins guy, and a lady eat half of the brownies for Journal Club this morning before I even get to work.  Great.

Moral of the story: If you give a hungry man a brownie, he’ll want to invite his friends over and they will eat the whole batch.

Today on the light rail, a homeless man wanted to “holler” at me.

Yes, again.  Those who follow me on twitter or are my Facebook friend may have seen something similar awhile back.  But this was a little bit more humorous.

The morning started off on the wrong foot because I woke up at 8:25 am.  I usually leave my apartment to head to the light rail by 8:35 so you know the predicament I was in.  Nonetheless, I headed to the light rail right before 9 and figured it would be a slow day on the train since I would be on the later one.

It was slow.  But there was no stopping homeboy…we’ll call him “Blu”  without the E.  This man had to be my Dad’s age, if not older.  He had a beard “as white as snow”.  I sat down in an empty seat while he was sprawled out across the row across the aisle…probably passed out from drinking straight whiskey or whatever it is homeless people waste their money on.

Well, I THOUGHT he was passed out….you know how drunk people sometimes look like their sleeping, but they’re really just drunk?

My phone is in my hand as usual.  I’m laughing at this tweet, when Blu asks, “You got sum kinna handheld computer over there?  Thas what dem phones lukin like these here days.”

I nod because I get creeped out by old street people…that and I didn’t have coffee this morning.

Blu, “Can I has yours phone number?”
Me, “Uhhhh no.”
Blu, “I don’t want to see ya..I jus wanna have some 1 to talk to.”

I’m a bear in the mornings when I don’t have coffee.  In fact, I’m really rude and hate the world in the mornings.

Me: “Go talk to a priest.”
Blu: “welll I’ll be..you’re a rude one..I jus wanted your phone number.”

I seriously should’ve closed out the conversation with what I’ve been waiting to tell a homeless person asking for my number: “Will you be calling me on your stolen hamburger of the not phone type?”

But instead, I moved to avoid this man and anybody else that felt like talking to me today.

Moral of the story: At least the homeless man didn’t poop on me.

Today on the way to the light rail, a bird crapped on my shoulder.

I almost don’t want to tell you the rest of the story because I can’t seem to think any other way it would be a more ridiculous start to the morning. Supposedly a bird pooping on your shoulder is “good luck”. I’ll let you know how that pans out today…and yes, Adam, this is the 2nd time in a year this has happened to me.

Today ON the light rail, it was a hodge-podge of ridiculousness to add to the bird taking a load off on me. It was really crowded, so getting on the rail to even find a spot to stand was difficult, so it was no surprise when a lady’s shirt became stuck in the door as she squeezed on the train.

Dying Whale: “I’M STUCKKK!!!!!!!!! I’M STUCK!!!!!!!!!!AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! MY SHIRRRRTTTT!!!!!!!! OPEN THE DOOR!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!”

Obviously, the driver cannot hear the woman. Nor does he care. So I just continue laughing as the woman screams until the doors open at the next stop.

The next event occurring on the light rail is why I sometimes wish this train was more like a NY subway. Cell phones- they don’t work underground. It’s ok to text/tweet on the rail…but for the love of all things holy, please don’t talk on your cell phone…especially if you’re old and loud and are hard of hearing.

Woman: “HELLO?!?!”
(pause)
Woman: “THIS IS SHE, ME………….YEEAHHHH GIRL HOW’S IT GOIN??…….NAW I’M JUST ON THE RAIL….I GOT A DOCTOR’S APPOINTMENT………..YEAH…….OH NO IT’S JUST FOR MY ALLERGIES……YEAH I’M ON MY WAY RIGHT NOW……………OH I KNOW…..DID YOU HEAR ABOUT PASTOR  ……OOOOOOOO GIRL LET ME TELL YOU…..MMMMMMMMHHHHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM…….MMMMMHHMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM…..”

This goes on for about 2 minutes of the woman nodding. I would’ve been OK with her cell phone talking if a) she wasn’t so loud and b) she wasn’t putting make up on while on the phone while sitting next to me, therefore spilling her make-up on my pants.

Woman: “AIGHT GIRL LEMME CALL YOU BACK CUS IMMABOUT TO BE AT THE DOCTOR. ALRIGHT. ALRIGHT. ALRIGHT..MMMmBYE”

I could’ve done without hearing about the woman’s pastor who is cheating on his wife this morning.

Moral of the story: A bird pooping on your shoulder = you should’ve forked over the $10 to pay for parking today.

Today on the light rail, I met inspector gadget.

Timeout…I google imaged “inspector gadget” and this came up:

Today on the light rail, I helped somebody.  I am a good person.  That and it just means I should believe my horoscope since it told me today I would help somebody, but I should watch to satisfy my own needs.

Check it. Here’s how it went down.  As usual, I’m texty mctextface in the morning on my phone..maybe not texting but tweeting.  It was quiet today…I mean REALLY quiet.  Half of the people sitting were asleep.  I contemplated falling asleep until a young man sitting across the aisle said “Excuse me…”
I looked up….
Sad sap: “Can I ask you a question?”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard that question, I’d afford parking and not have to take the rail…..
Me: “Sure…”
Sad sap: “Well you seem like a pretty respectable girl and I need some advice”
Soo wearing a UT shirt makes you respectable, obviously.
Me: “ok…not sure how much help I’ll be…”
Sad sap: “You see there’s this girl and I’m pretty sure she wants me but I aint one of dos dudes that just in it for the booty, ya get me?  How do I show the girl I’m suave and a gentleman?”
I’m probably the LAST person on earth you ask Love advice from…..
Me: “Well…you could always bring her flowers…or do what you normally do to girls…”
Sad sap: “I dunno..she’s a trip and may not like the flowers and this one is fiesty.”
What does this guy want me to say??? I don’t know how to pick up people..I’ll talk to anybody, obvi.
Me: “ummmmm..maybe if you just take her on a date and act like a real gentlemen she’ll see who you are…”
I mean, that would work for me…but I also don’t like assholes like this chick seeems to..
Sad sap: “I guess I could try that. You’re right…I think that’ll work.  I’ll take her to dinner instead of the club!”
Did he REALLY just say that with that much enthusiasm????
Me: “Good luck.”
Sad sap: “Yeah I usually go to the club with girls but maybe I could try something new like a dinner date! I’ll take her somewhere nice like Olive Garden or somethin…”
I have a blank stare on my face at this point.
Me: “I’m sure it’ll work out fine..goodbye.”

I get off the rail in complete confusion.  Do people really think going to the club is a date?  what.the.heck.

Moral of the Story:
Whereas The urbandictionary.com definition of ”Date”: Two people getting together for an activity when the possibility of romance between them has been broached but not ruled out. Since the exploration of romance is the purpose of a date, merely asking someone out on a date is sufficient to broach the subject. Dates may or not continue once a couple have entered into a romantic relationship; and

Whereas The word “date” may be used to identify a get together between two people not romantically involved, but this usage is meant to convey irony, since such a meeting is not a date in the true sense of the word; and

Whereas It’s perfectly acceptable for a girl to ask a boy out on a date; and

Whereas Dating advice comes best from Dr. Loving and not K So.

Therefore Be it Resolved You cannot take a girl just to a club on a date.